New Years Resolution: Diet Edition

This post contains something even better than a recipe or a Cobra Starship review. Right now, I will give you a valuable life lesson to help you win the war against obesity, atherosclerosis, and death by triple layer chocolate mousse cake donut pies. This is my personal diet plan, and one day I will publish a book and get rich like Bethenny Frankel did with her Skinny Girl Margaritas.

The best diet plan you’ll ever need in your life, better than Weight Watchers, The South Beach Diet, and all the other BS out there. Are you ready for it?

“If you can’t reach it, you can’t eat it”

Thats it. Simple as that. If you’re sitting at the dinner table, and the only foodstuffs within arms reach are grilled corn or steak, thats all you’re eating. If you need to ask someone to pass you something from the other end, YOU CAN’T EAT IT. If you need to pick up the phone to order food, YOU CAN’T EAT IT. If you still feel hungry and want second helpings that are still in the pot in the kitchen, YOU CAN’T HAVE IT. If you already ate a slice of cake, and the rest is too far away from you to reach, STAY AWAY. Play hard to get. Trust me. You’ll win.

Obviously you need to be smart about this. If the only thing next to you at the table is a pound of butter or a tub of lard, please do not eat it and then blame my diet plan for your untimely demise. You still need to eat healthy foods, and exercise (just a little)… take the stairs instead of the elevator. So what, you live on the 30th floor? Bitch, don’t be lazy! Work that body. You don’t need to resort to drugs or alcoholism, nor do you need to look like a crack whore like LiLo or Adam Lambert.

Portion control is also very important. If you’ve already eaten half a chicken that was within your arms length at the table, you just ate 2-3 portions of food. That ain’t good. You need to pace yourself, and eat an appropriate amount of food so that you don’t feel weighed down, and can still be a functional member of society.

Life is not a reality TV show. There cannot be someone on you 24/7 training your tuchus and forcing you to eat healthy (unless you’re as rich as you are fat). As an adult there is a certain level of responsibility you need to take for your own health and well being.

I reiterate, “IF YOU CAN’T REACH IT YOU CAN’T EAT IT”

Try it out.

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